I named my new blog Peace Joy Love (and stillness) because these are the things I want to focus on in my life. I am 52 years old, stopped m weekend binge drinking as well as my daily obsession with alcohol almost 2 years ago, am mostly an empty nester and am looking at retiring from a 30-year teaching career in the next five years. I have spent the better part of my life worrying about the future, lamenting over the past, and trying to control the present. Being in my 50s forces me to look at how I really want to spend the next 30-40 (hopefully) years in my own headspace. It isn't about how I choose to retire, where I choose to live, what I choose to do but more about my mindset. All of those external things will happen the way they are meant to. The only thing I can control is how I spend the present moment - what I choose to do with my time right now. I have gotten in a slump in terms of self-care and even with house care, yard care, etc. My two biggest enemies are the tv and my phone. I spend countless hours looking at stupid stuff on my phone and watching mind-numbing reality shows. I spent 4 hours (embarrassing to admit) finishing up Love Island yesterday. So stupid. It occurred to me that I am spending my life watching the lives of others and I am tired of it. I need to choose how I spend my days, my hours, my minutes. I have so many goals that are just not getting accomplished because of "screen time".
I have a blog about my journey with alcohol that I kept for over 10 years. All the anguish alcohol caused me. I want this journal to be about my waking up to my life. Really making an effort to achieve my goals rather than think about them, plan them, schedule them, write them down but then just get distracted and sad and depressed. It has been almost 2 years since I quit drinking. It is time to make a new way. Step away from the insecure, scared, worried person I was as a teenager....the partying, attention-seeking, self-obsessed person in my 20's, the frenzied, Type A, over accomplishing, controlling self in my 30's, not the obsessive, over-drinking, overthinking, anxious, hungover, depressed person of my 40s. I am not a bad person. I am a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and teacher to the outside world. I am just not always kind to myself inside my own head.
I want my 50's to be about peace, joy, love, and stillness. Being ok with me. Having me be enough. Not needing praise and validation from the outside world. Even now while I am typing this I am thinking about how I could publish this site so others could read it but then I would constantly be checking...how many views, how many comments, are people impressed? I did some of that with my alcohol blog. I am not going to that here. This is for me. This is my own personal journey towards peas, joy love, and stillness. Quitting my inner critic, Being secure in myself not needing outside validation and praise. Consciously choosing how I spend my time. Making the most out of every moment. My goals in this moment in time are to get myself back in physical shape. I have let myself go. I got all the way up to 150 pounds two years ago. I lost 10-15 pounds just from putting down my weekend drinking but I used to be fit and strong and healthy physically. Now I feel sluggish and tired and chubby. I want to feel vibrant again, not ashamed of how I look in my clothes. I know that sounds vain but it really isn't about what others think as much as it is about how I feel. I feel better when I not only look better but am meeting my self-care goals.
My goals:
Meditate for 30 minutes 5 days a week
Yoga for 30 minutes 3 times a week
Weights for 30 minutes 3 times per week
Cardio for 30 minutes 3 times per week
Walk my dogs for 30 minutes 3 times per week
Read for 30 minutes 3 times per week
Keep up with my chores: cleaning, laundry, shopping, financial, yardwork
Basically - get off my butt and start living my life.
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